


First choice

by Eve1978



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Break Up, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2018-05-24 17:53:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is a small sequel to my story First Impressions but it can be read as a standalone one shot as well. It was written during filming of Crimson Peak, which you'll be able to read in certain details of the story.</p>
<p>While Tom is busy filming his girlfriend Cate feels more lonely every day and starts to question their relationship and the future of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First choice

Cate logged off and sank down in the comfortable chair while she closed the screen from her laptop. She had only meant to browse for a few minutes, just check if there was anything new to see and now it was 2 hours later.   
Damn that website! 

What was she even doing? Checking up on him? Virtually stalking him?   
Had it really come to this?  

But she knew why it had come to this, she had seen more of him on this website than she did of him in person lately. 

She turned her chair to face the living room of the apartment, it was a beautiful and very big penthouse in the middle of Toronto.   She had been here with Tom for 5 months now, he was filming in and around the city and because she had agreed to stay with him during filming he decided to not book a hotel but rent an apartment for them both to stay in.  

There was nothing about this place that wasn’t perfect, Cate loved the big windows and high ceilings, the warm colours, taupe and light yellow, and the comfortable couch filled with pillows. The bathroom had a luxury large bath and a bubble bath, the bedroom was white and yellow and had a more romantic feel to it.   
And there was a cleaning lady who came around weekly to make sure everything was spotless, it was all perfect. Except it was not, Tom was hardly ever there.  

She dragged herself to the big couch and sank in between the pillows, the sun was starting to go down already and she loved the view from the city from up here.   During their first days in town she and Tom went out almost every night, but then filming started and Tom was too busy.   
At first Cate just went out alone to have dinner but after some time she got enough of being the single table in every restaurant and just preferred to stay in. 

She was lonely and bored and was slowly starting to hate every corner of this apartment.  These past few weeks she had been thinking about just going back to London for a while, to catch up with friends, but then she would have to leave Tom.   
And even though he was hardly ever here with her, the thought of actually leaving him alone was still too upsetting.  

***  

She woke up when she heard the door close and noticed to her surprise it was already completely dark outside.  Tom stepped into the room quietly, he took off his coat and put it on a chair when he saw her.  
 ‘What are you doing up?’ he asked surprised. 

‘I must have dozed off on the couch,’ she spoke softly, her voice was still hoarse from the sleep,’ what time is it?’  
 ‘The middle of the night,’ he walked up to her to pull her into his arms.  

Cate hugged him and closed her eyes, letting herself get lost in his smell and his touch, realising just how much she had been missing him.  Tom noticed how she clung to him and he tightened his grip around her.   
‘Mmmmm,’ she sighed softly.   
‘God you smell divine,’ he whispered into her ear.  She broke the hug to look at him.    
‘It’s the smell of boredom,’ she said, putting an end to any attempt of him to try and seduce her with that sweet, deep voice of him. He just smiled at her.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said,’ I know I’ve been gone a lot.’  
 ‘A lot is an understatement, Thomas.’   
He knew he was in trouble when she called him Thomas. 

‘I’m sorry,’ she sighed,’ forget it, I’m just tired.’    
He let his fingers run through her hair and stared into her eyes.  His eyes looked tired, his hair was messy and wavy from having to wear the long black wig every day but the expression on his face was so soft and loving she forgot her frustration.  Tom smiled that soft loving smile that always made her heart melt.  

‘I saw the video of you and the spiderman kid tonight,’ she smiled back at him. ‘He was really adorable wasn’t he?’ Cate watched his eyes light up at the memory of it.   He loved his fans and Cate knew he looked forward to meeting them after a day on the set, she would never want to take that away from him, but where did she fit into that picture?  

‘So that’s where you were last night?’ she then asked.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he sighed,’ I know I promised to be home earlier but there were so many people and they had been waiting for me all day.’  
 ‘I had been waiting for you all day too!’ she snapped, biting her lip, she raised her hand to stop him from talking, wishing she hadn’t blurted that out.  

‘I don’t want to fight with you,’ she said softly.  
 ‘I don’t want to fight with you either, Cate,’ he leaned against her and put his lips on hers. She kissed him back but pulled away before the kiss could lead anywhere.

  ‘We do need to talk about this, Tom,’ she then said,’ you can’t just kiss me and give me those puppy eyes and think I’ll forget again.’  
 ‘I can’t?’ he raised his eyebrow and pulled his bottom lip down to show her the saddest face he could pull.  Cate hit his chest but couldn’t hide the smile on her face.  
  ‘We’ll talk in the morning,’ she said as she raised her finger and pointed at him but he just took her hand and pulled her into his arms again while he stared into her eyes and kissed her. 

 This kiss was more demanding and more hungry than the previous ones, his tongue battled with hers and he breathed heavily into her mouth, making her weak on her feet.   
She had every intention of resisting him but she knew when it came down to it she would never be able to. 

He pulled her close and his lips left her mouth to start licking a path down the inside of her neck. She softly moaned his name at the touch of his lips on her skin.  
  ‘Are you tired?’ he whispered while he carefully pulled her head back to reach every spot on her neck and softly sucked on her skin.  
 ‘I’m not that tired,’ she said under heavy breath. She was losing this fight, she was melting under his touch, unable to stop him from getting what he wanted. 

He guided her to the bedroom while his lips found her mouth again.   
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he whispered in between kisses.   She let her hands run under his shirt when suddenly she felt something buzzing in his sweater.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he said softly and he pulled out his phone and stopped kissing her to look at the screen,’ I’m sorry, it’s Luke, I have to take this…I’m so sorry.’

  She nodded my head and avoided his eyes, she had gotten very used to these never ending interruptions and apologies over the past months. This was nothing new.    
He was out of her arms and back in the living room within seconds, Cate let herself fall on the bed and closed her eyes, trying to calm the fire he had put inside her. She knew he’d be on the phone for a while.

***  

When Tom entered the room after 15 minutes he found her sound asleep on the bed, he looked at her with a smile on his face and let out a deep sigh while he pulled the blanket over her.  Letting his hand caress her hair he softly placed a kiss on her forehead, quickly got rid of his shirt and pants and crawled into the bed next to her.   
He carefully pulled her close to him and listened as her breathing calmed down when he hugged her. Her arm rested on his chest and he took her hand into his while he kissed her hair.  
 ‘I love you so much, darling,’ he whispered.  

He had been avoiding the talk for several weeks now because he feared where it would lead them and he also knew there was nothing he could do to change the situation right now. He wasn’t blind to her pain and it killed him to see her suffer, but he was stuck between a rock and the love of his life.   This movie demanded all of him and he enjoyed every minute of it, he could not let that go, it was his job, his life. 

Maybe Luke was right, maybe he couldn’t have the best of both worlds.

***  

Cate was up early the next morning and quickly put on a t-shirt when she left the shower. She had never heard Tom come to bed last night but she woke up in an empty bed and an empty apartment. All of that combined with Luke’s interruption the night before put her in the worst mood.  

She was slamming the kitchen closets and swearing between her teeth while making breakfast and she jumped when the door of the apartment opened.     
Tom was wearing his running gear, a long black gym pants and blue cap. His white t-shirt was covered in sweat and his cheeks were red.

 ‘Morning,’ he smiled.  She didn’t know why exactly it triggered her but the happy smile on his face suddenly pissed her off even more.  
 ‘Is it?’ she whispered under her breath.  

Tom took some orange juice from the fridge and threw his cap on the kitchen counter, trying to brush his long blonde curls with his hands.  
 ‘I won’t be home tonight, Charlie’s got that thing and we’re…’  
 ‘Charlie now?’ Cate cut off his words.   

She really hadn’t planned on starting a fight this morning but she was unable to keep quiet any longer. If she didn’t get this out now it would keep eating at her from the inside and she would only get more angry at him with each passing day.    
‘When exactly is it my turn, Tom?!’ she asked as she leaned against the kitchen counter.

 ‘Everyone’s going, I can’t get out of it, I’m sorry,’ he continued, his hand was searching for hers but she pushed him back.   
‘Do not touch me,’ she hissed,’ I can’t be angry at you when you touch me and I need to be angry right now!’  

They looked at each other in silence, she could see by the look on his face that he  realized she being serious.    
‘It is never me is it?!’ she continued,’ I am never your first choice and I’m never going to be.’   
‘Don’t say that, Cate,’ he pleaded,’ it’s not always going be like this.’  
 ‘You’re not even at the top of your career yet!’ she threw back,’ when exactly is it not going to be like this? When we’re old and grey?!’  

He took a deep sigh and stayed quiet, she knew he had no answer to that question.  
 ‘I don’t know what to say to you, Cate.’ 

She shook her head and let out a frustrated sigh.   
‘And you know what the worst thing is?’ she said,’ the worst thing is that I completely understand. I know you can’t change it and I don’t even want you to. I want you to have the career you always dreamed about, I want you to be happy.’

  ‘But…I am not happy, Tom…’ she continued softly, he heard the crack in her voice and could see the tears in her eyes. She could almost see his heart breaking over her words.  
  ‘What do you want me to do?’ he asked, his voice was suddenly so soft and soothing it made her even more emotional.  
 ‘I don’t know,’ she sighed. 

‘Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it,’ he took her hands and leaned against her with his whole body,’ I’ll do anything, Cate, anything you want.’   
She cried when she heard the emotion in his voice and he pulled her into his arms and held on so tight it took her breath away.

  ‘I love you,’ he whispered,’ you know that right?’  
 ‘Yes, I know,’ she sobbed and broke free from his hug,’ but…maybe love isn’t enough.’  
 ‘We’ve had this conversation before.’  
 ‘I know that, and yet we always end up back here.’  
He stared into her eyes while they both stayed quiet, letting her words sink in. 

They both realized there was no solution to this, nothing either one of them could say would make the situation any better.    
‘What do you want to do?’ he then asked.  
 ‘I think…I need a break from this, I want to go back to London for a while.’ 

He nodded his head, there was no protest but she could see his jaw clench and knew how upset he was.  
  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.  
 ‘You have nothing to be sorry about,’ he spoke softly, the look in his eyes made her wish she never started this argument. 

She didn’t want to fight and she most definitely didn’t want to hurt him, all she wanted was to hold him close and kiss him softly on the lips, so she did.  

He kissed her back with such passion she had to grab his chest to stay steady on her feet. Tom took his opportunity and put his arms around her while he deepened his kiss even further, making sure she would not leave his arms again.   She pulled off his sweaty t-shirt and let her hands run over his naked chest feeling every muslce.   
She softly kissed his neck, inhaling his scent and making him moan her name. She loved the smell of a little sweat on him and how his early morning run had made his face a little flushed.   
He pulled off her long t-shirt, leaving her naked accept from her panties.  

‘This is just not fair,’ he whispered into her ear and playfully bit the side of her neck. His hands slid down to her backside pushing her towards the couch with his entire body. Cate allowed herself to be led by him, feeling his erection grow bigger with every step they took. 

Her breath was stuck in her throat as he kissed her again and pushed her down onto the couch softly, placing himself on top of her body.   She helped him out of his pants while he pulled off her panties in a rush. She couldn’t even remember how long it had been but she needed him desperately and she could tell by the hunger in his eyes that he felt the same urgency.

 Tom pulled her legs around his waist, teasing her by pushing his hardness against her centre and then pulling away again, making her dig her nails deep into his back.    
‘Don’t stop,’ she whispered between moans and she pulled him against her, causing him to catch his breath for a moment when she rocked her hips to match his movements. He was losing control of his breathing as soon as he slid into her, moaning her name and speeding up his pace, pushing them both towards the edge quickly. 

He pushed deeper into her with every snap of his hips, harder with every thrust, Cate clung to him and stared into his eyes while he brought her to her climax.  Hearing her moans and screams and watching her face as she came undone made his own orgasm crash over him.

 He sank down in her arms while they both tried to catch their breath.   Tom stroked her back softly and pulled her close to him, searching her eyes with his. 

‘You can’t leave me,’ he whispered,’ you can’t…’ 

She kissed him softly but tried to avoid his eyes, she didn’t want to ruin the moment but even in this momentarily bliss she knew nothing had changed. 

No matter how crazy she was about him or how certain she was that she would never be able to have this with anyone else, she also knew she couldn’t stay.

  ‘I love you,’ she whispered as she held him in her arms. She allowed herself to look at every inch of his beautiful face while she tried hard not to cry, hoping she would soon have the strength to do what she knew she had to.  

***  

Tom opened the door to the apartment quietly that night, it was 5 o’clock in the morning, he had tried to leave the party earlier but everyone begged him to stay and he caved, he always caved. 

He hoped Cate would already be asleep. That morning had been so amazing, he didn’t want to go back to fighting with her, he put his coat on the chair and slowly walked to the bedroom to find the bed empty, all the lights in the apartment were out.

 ‘Cate?’ he asked, already sensing that what he feared would be true.  When he noticed the letter on his side of the bed he knew he was right, he sat down on the bed and let out a deep sigh while he opened the envelop.  

***

My dearest Tom,

I am so sorry to leave like this but you’d only try and stop me, and we both know I would let you.   I need a break from all of this, I know you don’t have an answer, neither do I because there isn’t one, I will never be the one responsible for taking away your dream or your happiness so I’m doing the only thing I can do, I’m allowing you to live your life and do what I know you have to do. 

Please always know that I love you more than anything in this world, but no matter how much you love me back, I know that you don’t need me right now and this is killing me. I can’t be part of your life like that, maybe this just isn’t our time.  
 I hope with all my heart that one day it will be.  

Goodbye for now 

xxx  Cate


End file.
